So what now?

Wow, already 2012. Time flies. Things have been happening (of course), enough to be busy.
Believe it or not, I'm employed! Hoping things will be great at the new job. I'm no longer working with mosquitoes, however. Can the name Moshunter still be applied then? Hmmm.

Anyway, so what now? A new year, and a big new chapter of my life. It's highly unwritten and I'm yet to work out my direction... at least in the long run.

My hope for this year? Well, new experiences. Hopefully the good out-weights the bad. I've had lots of bad ones or late, haven't I? Well, what didn't break you makes you stronger, right? Although, that one incident has physically weaken me.

Of people, I hope to meet them from different lives and background. Different opinions of life and thinking, except radical and non-conforming ones... because they scare me. What is the point knowing someone who is fixed on their ideas and values that cannot accept anyone else's? I find that only these people are the people I can never be friends with. I can only tolerate them. Just.

Perhaps that is a little paradoxical, since my unable to accept the non-conformists makes me a non-conformists as well... @_@.

Which leads me to re-evaluate myself. I actually do so often till like it is almost interpreted as no self-confidence. Huh, whatever, that is one opinion. I actually respect those who does more than those with so much self assurance... because most of the time, those who are so confident I find have so little to offer and can't deliver. Those who keeps evaluating themselves keeps getting better at who they are.

But self-evaluation comes more often when something in life has gone awry. What I found about myself:

1. Persistence. The will to finish what I started. If my doctorate did not reflect this, then the will to go on everyday normally in physical pain is one. Yes, it hurts everyday. Still does, though not as bad as it was. OK, so maybe not going on normally, but it is as normal as I can get. I get bad days quite often.

2. The non-conformist paradox. I may be open to a lot of opinion, but when met with one who thinks "my way is the only way" I shut down. I'll have the "so be it, but don't expect me to understand" mentality. Yep, met about a handful of these people already, especially where I am living now. It's no wonder.

3. Anger. I'm not an angry person in general. Friends told me before how I can actually take in a lot of things before I get upset. Therefore, I can have a lot of discussion with friends about nearly everything. One thing though, if I do get angry, it is usually an accumulation of things that ticks me off that will gain momentum until something sets it off. I think this is a personality trait, as I've always been like this. But I am getting better at not being too angry... well, unless I encounter someone who can really push my buttons (see previous post about 2 years back). Friends and family told me, why can I just express the unhappiness immediately. Well, that is the thing isn't it? Little things that ticks you off but left unsaid because you think it is a small thing (and I've been taught to so of "let go" of the small things) will come back at you. You may have let go, but somewhere inside that sentiment did not. You sometimes even forget why you were that ticked off. For me, the feeling is worst as I would then couple it with the guilt and fear for letting these things get to me that increases the anger further. Makes sense? Well, probably not to everyone, but if you can't try to understand that then refer to point 2 for my stance on that sentiment.

But then again, who are you judge how I express myself and my anger? Who came up with a rule book of acceptable ways to be angry? I'm not talking about extreme cases here where one get killed, ok. I'm talking about petty arguments and personality clashes. I think you can get rilled up however you want, even if I don't like it. Just don't kill anyone, and labelling people who are different in this department does not make you any smarter.

4. Shotokan way. Yep, having learnt karate the Shotokan style, I've learn so much about myself. This may be a martial art, but it is not designed for fighting apart from your inner demons. Yes, I tend avoid fights... but there was one time I had to really defend myself... OK, so karate does come in handy sometimes. But for those who fight for the sake of their opinion/ to just win. Well, I'm sorry but that's how wars are made.

5. Obstinate. When someone tells me it is something I cannot do, I sometimes get all fired up (on the inside) and try to do it to prove a point. But as I get older, I tend to compromise more... is it a bad thing? Or maybe that can be attributed to being "open-minded"? Oh dear, another paradox?

6. Pacifist. I'm actually not ashamed that I am, except on occasions when I get flustered from seeming mundane things. I should speak up more when it matters. No, speaking up for the sake of argument is NOT one.

7. Family. I moved back to this tropical country. The decision is partly to be close to family. It used to be the other way round. Mind you, my family is somewhat dysfunctional at times, but we are family. No matter what happens, I will remain in it. So that's what I found out about myself, that I do care for the family. Wonder if they feel the same?

I'll stop there. For this year, I'm hoping to discover more about myself and things I can do with my time and limitations. Have a good 2012, whoever you are.